Well let's start part two. My early adult hood was filled with being a mom to two babies 16 months apart. My husband didn't believe in a woman working outside the home (neither did the rest of his family). When my son was born he was the apple of everyone's eye. He was a beautiful little man. I had considered from the begining of my pregnancy with him not to tell his father and just take off. But I decided not to do that. I told him I was pregnant and on September 14, 1985 we were married and on Christmas Day I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy you have ever seen. He was so perfect the nurses kept thinking he was a c-section. He had the most beautiful olive complextion for a newborn and his head was perfectly round.
His father was so proud of him. That was his boy. Kelly was planned, unfortunately for her she came out a girl. I don't think her paternal grandmother held her once. Grandma died when Kelly was two and a half. Everyone seemed to favor Craig. Exceptionally smart, independent, and a loving child. Kelly was born blue because of the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck. She spent two days in utero unable to breathe sufficiently. This caused a severe learning disability. But loveable, my God you had never seen a more loveable child. Her whole aim in life was to please. Even her teachers at school said Kelly had this need to please people around all the time.
I really did not favor one child over the other, they were so unique it was hard to imagine they were related, well except they looked like twins. My poor baby girl, it's not that I wanted to give her more love than Craig, it's that I had to make up for all the love Kelly was not getting from the rest of the family. She also required more attention. Craig was a straight "A" student Kelly struggled for "C's". Craig is exceptionally book smart, Kelly could take anything apart and put it back together. It has now come to light that Kelly also suffers from anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder.
Raising my kids as a single mother wasn't as tough as it could have been. I was separated from my husband in 1992 and my mom lived with us. She was a God send. If not for her we would have lived out on the street with no clothes. I separated from my ex because he was violent, especially when he drank. Not only that but he would come home smelling like other women's perfumes. He wouldn't come home til five or six in the morning and I was never allowed to get a babysitter and go out with him. Hmmmmm. He didn't want me hanging out with friends unless he was there and he kept me on a pretty tight leash. Of course he denies all of this now.
For Kelly's 8th grade dance she looked like a Barbie doll. She was beautiful in her gown. Her father forgot to show up to see her. He also forgot to show up for 8th grade graduation. He also forgot to show up for almost all of her softball games. She was fantastic. If we did not move to Florida I am sure she could have gotten a softball scholarship and her coaches thought so too. All the kids loved me at the games. (I supplied the candy).
I tried so hard to be a good mom. But my son thinks I wasn't that great of a mother. I was struggling between an abusive husband and for as good as my mom was she was also abusive. I was struggling to keep my head above water. Unfortunately shit rolls down hill. I realize a great mother I was not, but I can't blame it all on me. My mother tried to take over the mother role my ex terrorized me and on top of all of that I was raising two children only sixteen months apart. I thought at times I was losing my mind.
I think my son still holds a lot of his childhood against me. Don't get me wrong, I took him to his first baseball game, I took him to his first hockey game, I used to go out and through the ball with him, but I still think he thinks I love Kelly more. I really didn't mean it. I tried so hard to be a good mom. Unfortunately I had a lot of demons I was fighting. I still beat myself up everyday for what I did to my kids. Craig took it the hardest. Kelly didn't realize that none of her father's family thought girls were only for reproduction. I love my son more than life itself, but I also love my daughter as much. Like I said they are so different there is no comparison between them. They are two different people and like anyone else I love them differently but the same amount.
All I can hope is one day they will forgive me. I tried my best but I never had a good example to learn from. I had to "wing" it. There are no words for how much I love them both. Was I a good mother? No. I know that now. But I dont' know how to make up for it. I'm sorry just doesn't seem enough. But I hope they know how much I really love them.
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