Well let's start part two. My early adult hood was filled with being a mom to two babies 16 months apart. My husband didn't believe in a woman working outside the home (neither did the rest of his family). When my son was born he was the apple of everyone's eye. He was a beautiful little man. I had considered from the begining of my pregnancy with him not to tell his father and just take off. But I decided not to do that. I told him I was pregnant and on September 14, 1985 we were married and on Christmas Day I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy you have ever seen. He was so perfect the nurses kept thinking he was a c-section. He had the most beautiful olive complextion for a newborn and his head was perfectly round.
His father was so proud of him. That was his boy. Kelly was planned, unfortunately for her she came out a girl. I don't think her paternal grandmother held her once. Grandma died when Kelly was two and a half. Everyone seemed to favor Craig. Exceptionally smart, independent, and a loving child. Kelly was born blue because of the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck. She spent two days in utero unable to breathe sufficiently. This caused a severe learning disability. But loveable, my God you had never seen a more loveable child. Her whole aim in life was to please. Even her teachers at school said Kelly had this need to please people around all the time.
I really did not favor one child over the other, they were so unique it was hard to imagine they were related, well except they looked like twins. My poor baby girl, it's not that I wanted to give her more love than Craig, it's that I had to make up for all the love Kelly was not getting from the rest of the family. She also required more attention. Craig was a straight "A" student Kelly struggled for "C's". Craig is exceptionally book smart, Kelly could take anything apart and put it back together. It has now come to light that Kelly also suffers from anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder.
Raising my kids as a single mother wasn't as tough as it could have been. I was separated from my husband in 1992 and my mom lived with us. She was a God send. If not for her we would have lived out on the street with no clothes. I separated from my ex because he was violent, especially when he drank. Not only that but he would come home smelling like other women's perfumes. He wouldn't come home til five or six in the morning and I was never allowed to get a babysitter and go out with him. Hmmmmm. He didn't want me hanging out with friends unless he was there and he kept me on a pretty tight leash. Of course he denies all of this now.
For Kelly's 8th grade dance she looked like a Barbie doll. She was beautiful in her gown. Her father forgot to show up to see her. He also forgot to show up for 8th grade graduation. He also forgot to show up for almost all of her softball games. She was fantastic. If we did not move to Florida I am sure she could have gotten a softball scholarship and her coaches thought so too. All the kids loved me at the games. (I supplied the candy).
I tried so hard to be a good mom. But my son thinks I wasn't that great of a mother. I was struggling between an abusive husband and for as good as my mom was she was also abusive. I was struggling to keep my head above water. Unfortunately shit rolls down hill. I realize a great mother I was not, but I can't blame it all on me. My mother tried to take over the mother role my ex terrorized me and on top of all of that I was raising two children only sixteen months apart. I thought at times I was losing my mind.
I think my son still holds a lot of his childhood against me. Don't get me wrong, I took him to his first baseball game, I took him to his first hockey game, I used to go out and through the ball with him, but I still think he thinks I love Kelly more. I really didn't mean it. I tried so hard to be a good mom. Unfortunately I had a lot of demons I was fighting. I still beat myself up everyday for what I did to my kids. Craig took it the hardest. Kelly didn't realize that none of her father's family thought girls were only for reproduction. I love my son more than life itself, but I also love my daughter as much. Like I said they are so different there is no comparison between them. They are two different people and like anyone else I love them differently but the same amount.
All I can hope is one day they will forgive me. I tried my best but I never had a good example to learn from. I had to "wing" it. There are no words for how much I love them both. Was I a good mother? No. I know that now. But I dont' know how to make up for it. I'm sorry just doesn't seem enough. But I hope they know how much I really love them.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Was I a good mother? (Part 1)
It is so long ago since I first became a mom. If you ask my children if I was a good mother I am not sure what kind of an answer you would get. It would also depend on who you are. Let's ask me. No I was not a good mom. I loved and love my children more than life itself. Would I have given up my own life for my kids yes definately. I guess I should start my story from the beginning.
I was born in 1963, my father and mother were divorced when I was 12 months old. In 1964 and through all of my school years this was the embarrassment of my life. I attended a Catholic elementary school were I was "the last one picked for the team" the teachers always made us write about our parents and I only had my mom and grandma. More humiliation. Now let's also add the fact that I was overweight had only one friend and I missed at least 45 days a year from school due to having pneumonia and being hospitalized once to twice a year.
When I was 15 I was riding a bicycle and went head on with a car. By the way, I lost that lawsuit they said I was 60% at fault. I wanted to dance. I was a dancer in school. Singing and dancing was what I was good at. After the accident I could barely walk let alone dance. Meanwhile, while I was recovering in a hospital that wouldn't let me have a mirror, my mom moved us from Highland Park to East Brunswick. Highland Park was the first time in my life I actually had started to have friends. Prior to Highland Park most of my time was spent with adults. Well these friends lasted for I guess about 2 years. My right side of my face was crushed all my teeth were loose and I had a broken right leg with a plaster cast from my toes to my hip. Oh yeah my left arm was fractured too.
I think at this point in my life is when the depression started. By the time I was 17 four members of my family that I was really close to had died, including my grandma and my uncle at the age of 32 died of a cocaine overdose. Grandma's death was something I hadn't gotten over until much later in life, but that is a different chapter. Depression was not something that was talked about in public and was a family problem. My mom tried to commit suicide when I was 14.
By the time I was 16 and had to move East Brunswick I started to become sexually active. I was also drinking and doing drugs big time. I dropped out of high school because I would rather have gotten high or drunk than to go to school. This was when I met my future husband. Yeah I went wild, real wild.
When I turned 18 my mom had gone on a 2 week vacation to Arizona, she came home and and told she was leaving in 2 weeks to move to Arizona for good. Well my future husband begged me not to go. He even offered to move in with me so that I wouldn't have to go. Well long story short I stayed. We lived together for about 3 years. My "husband" was abusive, physically and emotionally. But I depended on him. I couldn't take care of myself, I didn't even graduate high school. When I became pregnant at 22 we decided to make it legal and we were married when I was 6 months pregnant. Being pregnant did not stop his abuse. Little did I know that what I was suffereing from was still the unspoken depression. He always accused me of cheating. (which by the way I never cheated on him while we were married).
My daughter was a planned pregnancy. I spent a month in a psychiatric clinic due to an abnormal eating disorder. This was the first time depression had been mentioned to me. The doctors wanted me to abort her because they wanted to put me on medication that they couldn't due to pregnancy. At least during my pregnancies I quit drinking and drugs, the smoking was asking too much.
I was born in 1963, my father and mother were divorced when I was 12 months old. In 1964 and through all of my school years this was the embarrassment of my life. I attended a Catholic elementary school were I was "the last one picked for the team" the teachers always made us write about our parents and I only had my mom and grandma. More humiliation. Now let's also add the fact that I was overweight had only one friend and I missed at least 45 days a year from school due to having pneumonia and being hospitalized once to twice a year.
When I was 15 I was riding a bicycle and went head on with a car. By the way, I lost that lawsuit they said I was 60% at fault. I wanted to dance. I was a dancer in school. Singing and dancing was what I was good at. After the accident I could barely walk let alone dance. Meanwhile, while I was recovering in a hospital that wouldn't let me have a mirror, my mom moved us from Highland Park to East Brunswick. Highland Park was the first time in my life I actually had started to have friends. Prior to Highland Park most of my time was spent with adults. Well these friends lasted for I guess about 2 years. My right side of my face was crushed all my teeth were loose and I had a broken right leg with a plaster cast from my toes to my hip. Oh yeah my left arm was fractured too.
I think at this point in my life is when the depression started. By the time I was 17 four members of my family that I was really close to had died, including my grandma and my uncle at the age of 32 died of a cocaine overdose. Grandma's death was something I hadn't gotten over until much later in life, but that is a different chapter. Depression was not something that was talked about in public and was a family problem. My mom tried to commit suicide when I was 14.
By the time I was 16 and had to move East Brunswick I started to become sexually active. I was also drinking and doing drugs big time. I dropped out of high school because I would rather have gotten high or drunk than to go to school. This was when I met my future husband. Yeah I went wild, real wild.
When I turned 18 my mom had gone on a 2 week vacation to Arizona, she came home and and told she was leaving in 2 weeks to move to Arizona for good. Well my future husband begged me not to go. He even offered to move in with me so that I wouldn't have to go. Well long story short I stayed. We lived together for about 3 years. My "husband" was abusive, physically and emotionally. But I depended on him. I couldn't take care of myself, I didn't even graduate high school. When I became pregnant at 22 we decided to make it legal and we were married when I was 6 months pregnant. Being pregnant did not stop his abuse. Little did I know that what I was suffereing from was still the unspoken depression. He always accused me of cheating. (which by the way I never cheated on him while we were married).
My daughter was a planned pregnancy. I spent a month in a psychiatric clinic due to an abnormal eating disorder. This was the first time depression had been mentioned to me. The doctors wanted me to abort her because they wanted to put me on medication that they couldn't due to pregnancy. At least during my pregnancies I quit drinking and drugs, the smoking was asking too much.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Another day
God am I tired today. I did a lot of running around, no choice, I have no one to do these chores for me. Dragging the walker in and out of places is a pain in the ass. I also think I almost had a nervous breakdown. I lost an envelope that was extremely extremely extremely important. I thought I dropped it in the mail box at the post office I was frantic and the mail had already been picked up and shipped to Tampa.
I had to get the crap off my car before the sandy coral dust eats away at my car. So I come out of the car wash turn my car on and lo and behold my check engine light is on. Figures! I almost hit a car head on at Save-a-Lot because instead of parking in her spot she shot all the way through. (Bitch) And she gave me the finger. I was already frantic and very panicked at that point. I did find the envelope tho. Thank the Goddess and God.
So I get home and now my Sterling is being a real bitch (yes physical descroption but also personality) she keeps hurting Tiki the last few days and I don't know why. Sterling (Silver's Blue Topaz) is my Siberian Husky and Tiki (Barber) is my aussie Shepherd. I also have Billie Joe (Green Day) a leopard Gecko and my most loveable adoring obedient (thinks she is a dog) grey tiger house cat. I also of course have a fish tank. I love animals in case you can't tell.
Psychologically I would have to assume they take the place of my children who are far away and my friends who spend a great deal of time working. I also hate to leave my house so they keep me company and when I do go out I try to get it all done at once so I don't have to go again during the week. I also spend a great deal of time working on bisque molds (painting them for different holidays) I make flower arrangements, cross stitch, latch hook, and decorative candles. Wish I could find my dining room table. I also sew but not so well. LOL Still waiting for those questions and comments makes it easier for me to know what everyone wants to read about.
I had to get the crap off my car before the sandy coral dust eats away at my car. So I come out of the car wash turn my car on and lo and behold my check engine light is on. Figures! I almost hit a car head on at Save-a-Lot because instead of parking in her spot she shot all the way through. (Bitch) And she gave me the finger. I was already frantic and very panicked at that point. I did find the envelope tho. Thank the Goddess and God.
So I get home and now my Sterling is being a real bitch (yes physical descroption but also personality) she keeps hurting Tiki the last few days and I don't know why. Sterling (Silver's Blue Topaz) is my Siberian Husky and Tiki (Barber) is my aussie Shepherd. I also have Billie Joe (Green Day) a leopard Gecko and my most loveable adoring obedient (thinks she is a dog) grey tiger house cat. I also of course have a fish tank. I love animals in case you can't tell.
Psychologically I would have to assume they take the place of my children who are far away and my friends who spend a great deal of time working. I also hate to leave my house so they keep me company and when I do go out I try to get it all done at once so I don't have to go again during the week. I also spend a great deal of time working on bisque molds (painting them for different holidays) I make flower arrangements, cross stitch, latch hook, and decorative candles. Wish I could find my dining room table. I also sew but not so well. LOL Still waiting for those questions and comments makes it easier for me to know what everyone wants to read about.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My introduction
Hi,
Let me introduce myself, my name is Cheryl and I am currently from Zephyrhills, FL. I would like to tell you a little bit about myself so that we can get to know each other a little. I am originally from New Jersey and yes I miss it more than you can know. Sounds sick doesn't it? I have two children my son Craig is 24 and my daughter Kelly is 23 and my granddaughter is Bri'onna 3. Kelly is Bri's mom and both of their birthdays are May 1st.
I was a high school drop out and found drugs and alcohol to be better than math or history. That was back in my teens and early 20's. My kids came along and all that stopped. I guess through other blogs you find out more about the rest of my life.
I currently have rheumatoid arthritis, yes incurrable and progressively gets worse. My neurologist is hesitant to diagnose multiple sclerosis but I suffer from ataxia (an inablity to maintain your balance) so therefore I walk with a walker and use a wheelchair when needed. Today has been a really bad day as far as the ataxia, so I am staying seated. The rheumatoid arthrits treatments I was getting had to be stopped because of the increase in my liver enzymes. Can you say pain? I have other problems as well especially pneumonia, I have had it 6 times in the last 9 months, partly due to asthma. I am only 46 years old, and I feel like 100.
I would like to use this blog to communicate with others in the same position but also to help you find answers. I also just like to blog. So let's talk.
Cheryl
Let me introduce myself, my name is Cheryl and I am currently from Zephyrhills, FL. I would like to tell you a little bit about myself so that we can get to know each other a little. I am originally from New Jersey and yes I miss it more than you can know. Sounds sick doesn't it? I have two children my son Craig is 24 and my daughter Kelly is 23 and my granddaughter is Bri'onna 3. Kelly is Bri's mom and both of their birthdays are May 1st.
I was a high school drop out and found drugs and alcohol to be better than math or history. That was back in my teens and early 20's. My kids came along and all that stopped. I guess through other blogs you find out more about the rest of my life.
I currently have rheumatoid arthritis, yes incurrable and progressively gets worse. My neurologist is hesitant to diagnose multiple sclerosis but I suffer from ataxia (an inablity to maintain your balance) so therefore I walk with a walker and use a wheelchair when needed. Today has been a really bad day as far as the ataxia, so I am staying seated. The rheumatoid arthrits treatments I was getting had to be stopped because of the increase in my liver enzymes. Can you say pain? I have other problems as well especially pneumonia, I have had it 6 times in the last 9 months, partly due to asthma. I am only 46 years old, and I feel like 100.
I would like to use this blog to communicate with others in the same position but also to help you find answers. I also just like to blog. So let's talk.
Cheryl
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